It’s rare to find a marketing piece that has features you want to applaud, and at the same time parts that make you scream, “Why’d you do it?”

The Example is an 8.5 x 14-inch letter from SAC Federal Credit Union. The highlight for me is a feature you seldom find on any mail piece, rarely a letter, and never before (as far as I’ve experienced) on a financial services letter. It’s an interactive feature.

The Good
Look at the Johnson Box area. The little blue gift card is a sticker that peels off. You’re asked to place it on the reply form to show your acceptance of the offer. Interactive features are great ways to get people involved and hold their attention so they consider your offer. Direct marketing tests show interactive features increase response rates.

This is also a good Johnson Box because, besides the sticker, it has a big, red “FREE $20.00 GIFT CARD” eye-grabber, and uses the phrases “costs nothing” and “no obligation.” Terrific!

If you read my blog entry describing good letter-writing techniques (”My Number 1 Secret for Great Marketing Letters,” July 17), you notice this letter jumps right into the offer with an attention-getting statement: “So, why are we giving you a FREE $20.00 Wal-Mart® Gift card? Because it gives you…” It’s like they tossed out the first intro paragraphs to get right to the heart of the offer. Excellent technique.

The Bad
Unfortunately, after a great start, it’s hard to praise anything else. Following are some problems I see. Take note and avoid them in your marketing campaigns.

1) The bullets are too long. By their nature, bullets are supposed to be brief. There’s too much description. They shouldn’t have been bullet points at all.

2) There are SIX footnotes in the body of the letter. Avoid footnotes. They interrupt the reader and make him or her suspect you’re going to negate all the benefits in the footnotes.

3) The “Important notice” seems to be disclaimer copy. Positioned directly above the reply form it looks like part of the letter (especially because it’s in the same size font) and stops the reader from turning to the back where the letter continues.

4) The letter is too long. There are three more paragraphs on the back. Long copy is fine if you have something exciting to say or you say the mundane in an exciting way. A co-worker noted this letter is sleep inducing.

5) The letter ends without a call to action. In fact, it’s the antithesis of a call to action: “If you choose to discontinue during the first thirty days, or any time thereafter, you will receive a full refund of the then-current month’s fee. There is no obligation to continue.” What do you want to bet that was written by a compliance officer and not a marketing copywriter?

6) There’s no P.S. Never write a marketing letter without a P.S. (See an explanation in “P.S. I Already Said This” posted August 17.)

7) The reply form has a number of problems. It doesn’t generate interest. The header is ultra-generic. There’s no check box with copy like: “Yes! I want to take advantage of Savings Plus and all its benefits. Sign me up now!” People scan the reply form before they read the rest of the letter.

8 “This form is redeemable by mail only.” It’s well known, the more ways people can respond, the better the response rate. Besides, why can’t I walk into an office (or “store location” as the letter oddly says) and sign up? Are the staff members too busy? Too incompetent? Come on, they can handle it. If I think you don’t want to keep gift cards on hand because the staff will walk out with them, then I can’t trust you with my money. At least one person in each “store location” should be able to help members with the offer.

When I’m writing a letter with multiple benefits or complex features, like this Savings Plus offer, I assemble the features as a list of benefits in a sidebar. If you don’t know, a sidebar is a colored bar along one side of the letter. It gives the reader an easy reference in bullet-like format. The bulleted benefits could have been highlighted in a sidebar.

If you want to go into details about the bullet points, as they do in this letter, assemble the benefits on a buckslip (a.k.a., insert or stuffer). It’s another component to involve the reader’s attention. The tactic also eliminates those evil footnotes in the letter’s body copy.

After such an auspicious start, it’s sad this marketing letter failed to deliver the punch needed to excite people enough to sign up for Savings Plus. But thanks to this letter, you know how to do it better.